As a parent, you think you are ready to face about anything. You’ve raised a large family, faced a business failure, battled mental health disorders, plus a number of things that you’ve long forgotten. You’re past your child bearing years, the oldest children are young adults. You feel like an old warhorse that’s ready to be put out to pasture.
Then BOOM! The bomb is dropped. And this won’t be the first one. Your daughter tells her mother of a conversation she had with her teacher at school that day. A conversation about some horrible things her older brother did to her in the years past. A lot of what’s and when’s and how’s race through your mind.
Ten minutes later the phone rings. The number appears to be a local number. Its Child Protective Services (CPS). Its an awkward introduction because you only found out that anything has happened. You haven’t even began to process anything. The knot in your stomach gets tighter as the CPS caseworker explains that the offending son must leave the home immediately and stay with someone else that night.
You try to explain to CPS that you just found out, but the process has already moved beyond that. There is no explaining, there are no excuses. The confusion and embarrassment comes later… for now, just awkwardness as you try to put a puzzle together in your head, a puzzle that may never be finished as its missing those few last pieces. You as parents have no clue how far reaching the damage is. It will be many months… perhaps over a year…. until the devastation is fully known.
Please read on….
The first 24 to 48 hours after learning of a family crisis, your life will become a whirlwind of confusion and chaos. This list is by no means exhaustive, but here are some general overall tips when initially dealing with a family crisis, especially in maintaining a sense of privacy for the sake of the family.
It is important for one of the parents, if possible, to take on the role of controlling the flow of information. Any and all details of the crisis must consistently come from this person. It should be made known among any others involved (i.e. immediate family) that any inquiries should be forwarded to this person. This helps to slow down the gossip disguised as “concerns” quite a bit. Depending on the situation, it will not take long before “Nosey Nancy” comes wondering.
To that end, the other children in the home may suddenly be approached by others in an attempt to aquire juicy bits of gossip. Their age will dictate what they know and understand. Obviously the older ones will pick up on more that the younger ones. In our situation we used a blanket statement such as “one of the boys isn’t living at home right now.” Again, depending on the maturity of the child, it could be added “… there’s an investigation.” Most times this ends the inquiries, and if it doesn’t it can slow it down a little.
I would highly advise that the parents confide in someone they trust. This could be clergy of your church or a close family friend. Keep in mind that you’re not only confiding in one person, but their spouse as well. Just figure on that. Again, you’re not keeping secrets but until more solid details are out, you really don’t know what the real facts are either. Truth be told, depending on the situation, it may be months, if ever until you have the whole picture. Gets used to being kept in the dark.
Beware of social media. Posting things like “worst day ever, please pray, can’t talk about it” simply throws a red flag and makes people curious. To that end, if you have a social media account, don’t go dark, either. Keep up appearances. Same with coworkers, do the best you can to maintain appearances. Even though you wish you could crawl under a rock and/or are physically sick (more on that later) over the situation, as soon as someone senses something is wrong, the speculation begins. Try to avoid at all costs on taking a leave of absence. Again, nothing gets Nosey Nancy on your doorstep than a disappearance.
Do you need an attorney? That is completely up to you as a parent and your morals and ethics towards such things. Social workers and the police will make play down the situation so you don’t get an attorney, as it will make their investigation harder and they may tack on extra charges to make sure something sticks if you do. They will say things like “this really preliminary” or “this could be a huge misunderstanding and could go away tomorrow.” They have a job to do and the easier it is for them, the better.
Milepost 81 