In all likelihood I’ve suffered with type-2 bipolar disorder since my late teens. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I finally had the nerve to be properly diagnosed by a professional. It was a relief in a way, as the religious culture we were in for years before didn’t even attempt to understand mental health disorders… it was much easier to cast it off as a spiritual issue (more on that another time). After a proper diagnosis, it was like a new chapter in my life had begun. And I’m still learning the various triggers… when I know ahead of time that a really dark cycle is just around the corner. I’ve learned when its best (safe?) to be outgoing and social. I’m also still learning when its best to isolate and keep a distance.
When things are on the “upside” there have been many times that my mind has started to spiral out of control… where I realize what is happening and I have to pause myself and pray that God my settle my mind. That God can allow me to funnel the craziness into something positive and creative. Many times my mind runs “feral” over a personal project. Sometimes it’s much deeper than that- I realize I am trying to do God’s job: discerning the will and direction for my life. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to strategize every aspect for the reasons I am here on this earth. Having a Plan A and also a Plan B. And if Plan A doesn’t look too promising, start thinking about a Plan C and so on the madness continues….
When the “downside” rolls around, the world becomes very dark and scary. Hopelessness becomes the new normal. I’m afraid to be alone in my own head. I isolate myself, afraid to even interact with my own family. Try as I might to “snap out of it” I’m stuck there, a prisoner in my own mind being held captive by my own thoughts and emotions. I can try everything: exercise, stimulants… anything. Sleep even scares me as my nights can be filled with nightmares, terrors and cold sweats. Its in these moments I find myself crying out to the Lord just wanting for it be over, praying for endurance and hope as I ride out the storm that never ends.
Milepost 81 